An Adoption Story

The likes of Octomom, Jon & Kate Gosselin, and the perpetually-propagating Duggars, have made an industry of having babies.

I don't get it.

Having a baby is not a talent. It requires NO intelligence, NO extraordinary skill, NO character, NO ability to provide for and nuture a child. The only requirement is having operational body parts that can automatically function as nature intended.

Yet, in pop-culture, the public is fascinated with the "multiples," and with people like the Duggars who claim that God keeps giving them children - I guess because Jim Bob and Michelle are so special.

In order to ADOPT a child, parents have to QUALIFY in all of the ways that biological parents do not. There are now shows on television about the trials of adoption, and, rightfully so, since it is almost always an extremely difficult process.

But enough about that. I want to tell our story. And it feels sort of liberating to say that because ours was a "closed adoption" and for the first half of my child's life, I feared that her birth parents would want her back.

Nearly four decades ago, my husband I embarked on a mission to adopt a child. Our story proved to be short and sweet, but only because we managed to qualify rather quickly.

At the University of Pittsburgh, we were told we would never have a baby. That wasn't great news, but, matter-of-factly, we said we would adopt, as if it would be a simple process.

We had just moved into a new house and families on all four sides of us had adopted children. Although none (at that time) had adopted from her, they all offered the same name to us: ELIZABETH DUNCAN. I also knew another woman who had adopted through her.

Mrs. Duncan was an Irish, Catholic woman in Glassport, Pennsylvania, outside Pittsburgh. She was born in 1915 and emigrated from Ireland to the U. S. when she was seven. As old, online newspaper accounts confirm, she believed she was an instrument of God and her life mission was to help unwed mothers and orphaned children. By helping them, she was also helping childless couples realize their dreams of parenthood.

It must have been in the 1950s that Mrs. Duncan started her work. She began taking in foster children, some of whom she adopted, and she found homes for countless others.

By the time we met her, Mrs. Duncan had been doing her work for about twenty years, she said. She still helped place foster children but she became best known for taking pregnant women - some were young girls - into her home and providing for them during their time of need. Once a baby was born, she placed the baby with adoptive parents, if that was the mother's wish. But if a mother wanted to keep her baby, Mrs. Duncan assisted her with finding housing, a job, etc., so she could raise her baby.

Of course, Mrs. Duncan was against abortion and if she could spend a few minutes talking to a woman contemplating the procedure, she could often change her mind. She always believed there would be fewer abortions if pregnant women knew how many people desperately want to adopt a baby. Over the years, she developed a network of priests, community leaders, etc., who sent pregnant women to her because they trusted her implicitly to care for them.

Soon after we heard her name, I called Mrs. Duncan. She was as cold as ice on the phone - and dismissive. I asked to have an opportunity to meet her so we could be added to her list. Of course, I didn't realize there really was no list, at least not one that she followed.

Mrs. Duncan was deluged with calls from people wanting babies, usually white babies, that were very scarce, as they are today. She said she depended on references from people she knew and had already given babies to. But I know that was not totally the case. Any couple hoping to get a baby from her had to plead their case. Simply knowing someone who adopted from her was not enough.

Every year, Mrs. Duncan had a picnic for all of the families who had adopted from her. Also present were the numerous couples who hoped to get a baby from her. I knew one couple that went for ten years and never did get a baby. It just depended on Mrs. Duncan, a very astute woman, who felt guided by her God-given instincts.

After the first call, I felt desperate, so I called her - again and again. She must have liked what I said because she finally agreed to meet us.

From that point, there was sort of a protocol involved. Once Mrs. Duncan agreed to meet a couple, it was a good sign. The next step was to drive to Glassport and pick her up. She didn't drive, nor did I, so my husband and I made the hour+ trip and brought her to our house. She barely spoke, but, not being one who can deal with silence, I talked non-stop. At our house, she expected to be served a meal.... IT WAS SO STRESSFUL.

A tour of our house was required. In our bedroom, Mrs. Duncan focused on a framed poem above our bed that was about God and love. She said she would love to have that same poem for her daughters. Naturally, once this initial visit was over, we rushed to the mall to get her the poems.

My mother-in-law, a country woman who made beautiful quilts, was at our house during Mrs. Duncan's visit. After showing Mrs. Duncan some of the quilts she had made, Mrs. Duncan said she had some quilt tops and quilt pieces that had come from Ireland but had never been quilted. She asked my mother-in-law if she would quilt them for her... Of course she said she would - and she did!

By the time she got back to Glassport, Mrs. Duncan knew all she needed to know about us.

After that visit, I called Mrs. Duncan every single Friday. But not for very long because from the time I first called her, until the time she told us she had found our baby, it was less than two months. - It just seemed like an eternity.

It was during one of the Friday calls that she said she had gotten in a "bonus baby" - one she had not known about until recently - and it was going to be ours. She said she would let us know when it was born, which would be in about two months.

Never once did I entertain the thought that something would happen and we wouldn't get the baby. We painted the baby's room yellow and put up the crib. About a month later, my neighbor had a baby shower for me. Everyone cautioned me that the whole thing could unravel - but I didn't think so. I remember my mother wringing her hands and worrying that I would go off the deep end if this didn't go well.

But one morning, at 10:00 am, Mrs. Duncan called to say we had a baby girl, born the afternoon before. It was incredible! She said we had to come to Glassport and bring clothes and a blanket for the baby to come home in. There was a terrible snow storm, but my husband took the items. We were supposed to get our baby when she was three days old but the bad weather caused a one day delay.

Mrs. Duncan had told me that birth mothers were required to hold their baby before relinquishing them for adoption. Then, she had to sign the first set of papers, which I believe were in effect for three months. For some reason, I didn't worry about her changing her mind.

We survived the extra day, but we were extremely tense as we waited for our baby to arrive in the attorney's Cadillac. Finally, we saw the car come toward our house. At that same moment, the Cadillac was stopped for several minutes by a moving van that had pulled out from a house across the street. - It was like torture until they actually got in the driveway.

Our baby was beautiful and perfect - and she still is. To this day, that was the happiest day of my life. And I say that despite the fact that we later became pregnant and had a son.

As I recall, both biological parents had to sign the adoption papers. We knew nothing about how that all transpired. We were told that the adoption could be finalized when our baby was six months old, but at any time, the birth parents could change their minds. We had a Social Worker, Mrs. Handyside, who came once or twice, but I didn't feel any stress at all on those visits. When the six month date came and went, it didn't occur to me that one or both parents might have changed their minds. - And they didn't. When our baby was 9 months old, we went to the Allegheny County Courthouse for the final adoption proceedings.

Our daughter always knew she was adopted. She has said she does not think about finding her birth parents, but she would like to know about siblings... and about possible health issues. - On the other hand, I have always been very curious about the young girl and boy who conceived this wonderful child.

Mrs. Duncan always said, "God does the matching." So I always wondered what she saw in us that made us a match for this baby.

Pennsylvania's closed adoption records are sealed and it is not easy to open them. A person can make an application to the state to have an intermediary contact the birth parents (or adoptee, in the case of birth parents) and see if they want to be identified. If our daughter ever wants to do it, we will help her. But, really, the Internet has changed everything, and I have read countless stories about reunions of birth parents with adoptees.

And in my case, I have always known the name of my daughter's birth mother. - How did I know her name? - Well, I always thought it was sort of providential. When Mrs. Duncan brought our baby from the hospital, she handed me a card with formula instructions. Later on, I saw on the card that the name of the mother was stamped on the back. In hospitals, every piece of paper pertaining to a patient is stamped with the identifying information. In those days an addressograph machine was used. I was certain that was her name because it gave the time and date of the baby's delivery, which we already knew. - I never said a word.

Over the years, I have looked at online adoption boards to see if the birth mother was looking for my daughter. So far, nothing. It would be my daughter's place to find her birth mother if she chooses to, but if I just happen to come across her.....

At one point, I saw Mrs. Duncan's name online in connection with "black market" adoptions. That is SO not true! Mrs. Duncan never got a penny for her services, and she and her husband managed on their own modest income.

During her life, Mrs. Duncan placed about 3000 babies. Before she died in 1991, she and her husband founded GENESIS, which continues to carry on her work. Mrs. Duncan was once honored for her work at the Allegheny County Courthouse in Pittsburgh. Nicholas Papadakis, the attorney who assisted Mrs. Duncan at the time we adopted, became a Pennsylvania Supreme Court Judge.

I wonder what Mrs. Duncan would think of the Internet and about the trend of adoptees and birth parents reuniting. In her day, most adoptive parents and birth parents wanted to have the records closed forever... but I think things have changed, for many reasons.

Finally, I have to share the comments, found online, that were made by former Pennsylvania Congressman, Ron Klink, who adopted two children from Mrs. Duncan. (I think he was also on television when we lived there.) He was speaking to Congress in support of adopted children and adoptive parents. He stated he had waged a court battle over the custody of one of his children. But he mentioned Mrs. Duncan... and this makes me cry:

"My two children were placed with my wife and I through the help of a little Irish lady from Glassport, PA, with dancing eyes. To the more than 3,000 children that she placed and to the adoptive parents and birthparents she was known as Grandma Duncan. I asked Grandma Duncan--after we had our custody battle--how do I explain this if my children ever have questions. She paused for a moment and she said, Wait until they are old enough to understand. Then plant a garden. Make sure the children help. Go to the nursery and get tomato plants, and pepper plants, watermelon, and cantalope. Water them regularly, make sure the children help keep the weeds cleared away. And then when they are ready let them harvest the crops. Let them help to prepare it for the table. They will be so proud. And when they say look what I did. These are my tomatos or watermelon or cantalope * * * you must tell them--no--those plants belong to the man at the nursery. Remember where we bought the plants. He is the one who is responsible for this fruit. After all he planted the seeds. By now I know your all ahead of me. The child will become angry and insist that he or she put the plant into the ground--gave it root--fed and watered it and protected it from the weeds and insects. That's the time that you talk about what it means to be a parent. That is the context that parenthood is born from........"