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     I grew up in the country, on Boggs Run, in Marshall County, West Virginia. My dad, Jack Cunningham, was born and raised there, and he helped me with this project in the year preceding his death on May 7, 2000.

     The following expressions were used in everyday conversation by my dad, uncles, and grandfathers, and were a part of our culture. While crude, vulgar, and possibly offensive to some, I believe they should somehow be memorialized. I have heard variations of some these old sayings, and I fear the originals are being lost...

     While these "sayings" are said in all parts of the country, I believe they originated in the populations of the early pioneers... the country people. (Any other facts or theories regarding the origin will be appreciated!)

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Linda Cunningham Fluharty
www.lindapages.com

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"Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled the fastest."

"Prettier than a blue-nosed mule."

"Up & down like a whore's drawers" (refers to a nervous person, up & down)

"As full of shit as a cat is frollicks"

"So full of shit his eyes are brown"

"Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground"

"slicker (or cleaner) than a hound's tooth."

"Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel."

About men...."When I was hard I was soft and when I was soft I was hard."

"Slipperier than snot on a glass doorknob"

"Raining like an old cow pissing on a flat rock"

"Jumpy as a fart on a griddle"

"Colder than a well-digger's feet in Alaska"

"Colder than a fart in a dead eskimo"

"Slipperier than a witch's tit"

"dead as a doornail"

"fit as a fiddle"

"Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra"

"Rattling on (talking) like the clapper on a goose's ass"

"Handy as a pocketful of paper assholes."

"Two ax handles wide across the ass"...or for REALLY wide, "2 ax handles and a rain barrel"...

"Uglier than the east end of a horse headed west."

"A horse that shits fast don't shit long."

"like a fish out of water"

"can't put a square peg in a round hole"

"fell ass over tin cup"

"Go piss up a rope."

"The cow is out of the barn."

"slower than molasses in January"

"as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs"

"colder than blue hell"

"scarce as hen's teeth"

"can't tell the difference between shit & shinola"

"so ugly you have to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her"

"as busy as a one-armed barber with the hives"

"dark as the inside of Dick's hatband"

"knee high to a grasshopper"

"thigh high to a mule"

"scared shitless"

"tighter than a bull's ass in fly time"

"not worth a patch on his (another person's) ass"

"cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey"

"Runnin' around like a chicken with its head cut off."

"faster than a striped-ass jaybird"

"asshole deep to a ten foot indian"

"Lying like a snake in the grass"

"wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful"

"jumping from the frying pan into the fire"

"like the kettle calling the pot black"

"lies like an old rug"

"tough as shoe leather"

"didnít know whether to shit or go blind"

"cuter than a speckled pup"

"so drunk he couldn't find his ass with both hands"

"never cut a fat hog in the ass with a dull knife"

"dumb as a load of coal"

"can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear"

"you never miss a slice off a cut loaf" (cut loaf= a non-virginal woman)

"may be small but he's wound tight"

"It takes a big boy to whip a little man"

"took off like a cat hit in the ass with a boot jack"

"face as red as a jaybird's ass in pokeberry time"

"not tough enough to kick the shit out of your own pants"

"smell bad enough to stink a dog off a gut wagon"

"so weak you couldn't knock a sick whore off a shit pot"

"don't let your mouth run off til your brain's in gear"

"you would give a bull dog's ass the heartburn"

"ass as big as a $40 cow"

"mouth as dry as popcorn fart"

"lazier than Hall's dog"

"didn't know whether to shit or wind his watch"

"not worth the scrapings off a hound dogs ass"

"hotter than a June bride in a feather bed"

"harder than a whore's heart"

"colder than a witches tit"

"leave a dead dog lie"

"dumber (or crazier) than a shit house rat"

"hanging around her like flies on shit"

"busier than a one-legged man in an ass kickin contest"

"busier than a one-armed paper hanger"

"Shit or get off the pot."

"hornier than a two (or 3) peckered billy goat"

"stiffer than a wedding dick"

"more nervous than a whore in church"

"useless as tits on a boar hog"

"dumber than a sled rack"

"colder than a well digger's ass"

"colder'n a brass monkey's ass"

"happier than a pig in shit"

"ugly as sin"

"you can't get blood out of a turnip"

"slow as mud"

"butter wouldn't melt in her mouth"

"as loose as a goose"

"up Shit Creek without a paddle"

"a crock of shit"

"two bricks shy of a load"

"looks like a crow shit him on a fence post & the sun hatched him out"

"acting like a bitch in heat"

"don't have one penny to rub against another one"

"can't burn both ends of a stick (or candle) at the same time"

"dumber than a June bug on a string"

"skinny as a bean pole"

"tighter than a gnats ass stretched over a rain-barrel"

"don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out" (poor)

"built like a brick shit house"

"haven't been there for a coon's age"

"uglier than a burnt stump"

"Up and down like a whore on Saturday night."

"sat there like a bump on a log"

"actin like she's got bees in her bonnet"

"actin' like her tits got caught in a wringer"

"You look like you have been drug through a knot hole ass backwards."

"like a fart in a glove"

"lower than a snake in a wagon track"

"Eyes are shit-color brown."

"Spit quick or die."

"Her ass is as big as the broad side of the barn."

"bad shooter couldn't hit the broad side of the barn."

"Left high and dry with no pot to piss in."

"Thin as piss on a plank"

"Can't find his ass with both hands"

"ain't got both oars in the water."

"Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a coon dog"

"Crazy as a shithouse mouse"

"Slicker than puppy shit on a wood floor"

"as tired as a whore on nickel night"

"busy as a bull's ass in fly season"

"on her like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat"

"like shit through a goose" - meaning fast

"like green corn through the new maid" - meaning fast, also

"that dog don't hunt" - bad idea or flawed logic

A woman with lipstick - "looks like a jaybird's ass in pokeberry time."

"So skinny they have to stand up twice to make a shadow."

"Black as a coalie's ass"

"Happy as a tick on a fat dog"

"Not worth the bait in a rat trap"

"Harder than a Chicken's lips"

"Workin harder than a funeral home fan in July"

"Shakier than and old coon"

"Heavier than a dead preacher"

"That (plan, idea, action, etc) amounts to about as much as a fart in a whirlwind."

"skinny as a raffle turkey"

"Hotter than a whore house on dollar day."

"Ugly enough to scare buzzards off a gut wagon"