AT EASE Bob Crow came out of the steerage of the "America" on one rough night at sea, his features plainly pallid even in the inky darkness. He double-timed to the rail and two files of pearly teeth executed a snappy "open ranks." "Sick, Bob?" inquired a sentry, walking the deck. "No," Bob replied with a smile; "I wasn't exactly sick, but I got an awful funny feeling down in that hole." "Looks to me like it must have been in your stomach," and the sentry passed on. __________________________________________________ Sergeant Underdonk, who carried the air of thinking himself superior to anyone else in the Battery, and to most human beings in general, walked into a clean looking, fashionable French cafe and demanded of the mademoiselle, waitress: "Say, Miss, do you serve lobsters here?" The mademoiselle looked up from her task of cleaning away dishes and answered blithely: "Certainly, sir; we serve anyone here." __________________________________________________ Driver Charles Folk was grooming a vicious black horse named "Joe." The horse kicked him, and Charley proceeded to give him a clubbing. Upon undergoing the operation of being groomed again the next day, the horse repeated its offense. Charley got his club and said: "Joe, you remember the some tings vot I giff you the odder day?" __________________________________________________ Bugler Pavilky -- "Sergeant Miller, Captain Graves says he needs more jokes to put in the Battery History." Sergeant Miller -- "Well, he might put you in." __________________________________________________ A volley of 77's had just ripped up the battery's line of communication across Mud Flats, in front of Nantillois. Sergeant Reinacher and Corporal Voight were working frantically to get First Battalion on the line when Major Eager approached the telephone bivvy. "Is this the telephone dugout," the Battalion Commander inquired. Without looking to see who spoke, Sergeant Reinacher snapped back: "Hell! No! It's a wireless station just now." __________________________________________________ Sergeant Lane and Sergeant McFarland were "reading their shirts" on New Year's Eve. "Say, Mackie," Lane called out. "What is it, Martie?" "How in the devil do you suppose these cooties stood that bath in the river we gave them Christmas Day?" "Oh, that's easy, Martie. If they got as hot about it as I did they were in no danger whatever of freezing." __________________________________________________ Corporal Jack McCue (seeing Corporal Cole examining his seams): "What are ye lookin' at, Bill?" Corporal Cole: "Not sure yet, Jack; but I believe it's Battery A' passing in review." __________________________________________________ Tommy Simpson: "Wonder what these officers will do with their Sam Browns when they get back to the States." Homer Ball: "Make straps to beat their wives, I guess." ________________________________________________ WITHOUT BOOTS, TOO For aching feet, try a bath in the backwaters of the River Armancon. For a testimonial, interview Corporal Henry E. Neumann. __________________________________________________ WHO KNOWS LAD? Nobby Miller (doing a tour as M.P. At Argentenay, sees an "irritated" comrade brandishing a big pruning knife): "What's the matter, Lad? Betty go sleep it off." Lad: "Like H - - L I will. I'm looking for the frog who put the stuff in that booze that made me drunk." __________________________________________________ We had a comrade from "Whoopie-ville," Whose O.D.'s were always bugless. If you would know who this man is, Yes, "Duck for the dug-out, Douglass." __________________________________________________ HE RANG UP THE FARES Musician (?) George Washington Sheidy paused one day in the midst of a reminiscent air. Poising his violin bow, he spoke thus to his comrades: "Boys, I think I would have made a good captain." "What makes you think so, George?" Bugler Walter Haskell asked. "What are your qualifications?" "Why, I have had a great deal of experience in handling men, and I was accustomed to the uniform." __________________________________________________ "Strike two! What's the corporal waving at, anyhow?" We guess Major Kelley must have referred to Bernie O'Brien pinch hitting for Battery "C" in that famous game with Supply Company at Chateau-du-Loir. __________________________________________________ Private Niggemeyer (trying in vain to go to sleep with a shot of anti-typhoid serum in his arm): "These inoculations do accomplish wonderful results, but they cause an awful lot of misery for a while." Bernard O'Brien: "You're darned right, Joe. What the devil will a man feel like for about a week if the army ever gets anything to make soldiers shell proof?" __________________________________________________ On the voyage to France, Private Ben Tillar was leaning over the lower rain of the good (?) ship "America," bountifully feeding the fishes. "What's wrong, Comrade?" a sympathetic M.P. Inquired. "Got a weak stomach?" "Hell, no, man," Tillar snapped back between heaves; "do you all think you can throw it any farther?" __________________________________________________ HIS REPORT Sgt. Vordenbrueggen: "7th Section present, but a bit scattered, sir!" __________________________________________________ THE EAST END OF A HORSE GOING WEST Ben Tillar (wearing a gas mask at night takes horse by the tail): "Do you all know where the 4th Section is?" __________________________________________________ JUST A MISTAKE Sgt. Lane (awakening suddenly from sleep with dilated nostrils): "Gas! Gas!" Sgt. Brown: "Go on back to sleep. I'm just changing my undershirt." __________________________________________________ General Bryson (inspecting ammunition): "Of course, Sergeant, you sandpaper all that paint off the projectiles before you fire them." __________________________________________________ Colonel Walker (Upon seeing French shrapnel piled at Battery position): "Sergeant, I see you keep your barrage lot already fused." __________________________________________________ General Bryson: "No! No! Captain Gillham. This is a direct fire problem. It's only 3600 yards distant. Don't give the range. Simple bring your line of metal on the target." (Captain Gillham faints.) _______________________________________________________ DO YOU REMEMBER? "Mush-rat Row." "Section Chief's report." "Gosh, Id rather have been wounded." "What is the calibre of a three-inch piece?" "Look out! By G - d." "Close the door on that piece." "Don't talk back to me." "Where did that one hit?" "White lightning." "When tobacco sold for $15 a plug." __________________________________________________ Irwin Schlatter, who came to Battery "C" from the replacement depot at Camp Hunt, tells this one on Donald Brennan. Brennan, the story goes, was doing guard duty for the first time, and it fell to his lot to walk to Post No. 1. The officer of the day approached the guardhouse and Brennan shouted out: "Turn out the guard; officer of the day." "The O.D. Saluted and Brennan reported: "Never mind the guard." In a few moments, the officer of the day approached the guard house again on his way to regimental headquarters. Brennan, particular to see that he did not allow the guard to be caught napping, yelled: "Turn out the guard; here comes the same fellow again." __________________________________________________ "Horses and spare cannoneers hat hease." Lt. Mathey. __________________________________________________ (Private Buber, after spending four weeks in the dust at Meucon): "Where's that --- --- bath house. I wanna take me bath." __________________________________________________ "B Section, draw your bread." Then came the mad rush from the hatch to feast on sea-going rabbits. "Object on the left." __________________________________________________ Lieut. Mathey: "Corporal Harbert, take this message to Lieut. Faherty." Cpl. Harbert: "Who is this, hic, Lieut. Flu-Fler-Ferty, hic?" Lieut. Mathey: "You go upstairs to your bunk." __________________________________________________ (To a soldier crowding to the head of the pay line). Top Sgt.: "What's your name?" Soldier: "Unangst." Top Sgt.: "Get back in the R's where you belong." __________________________________________________ "Has everybody here got five pairs of socks?" __________________________________________________ "Close that porthole." __________________________________________________ Thorton and Kittle getting a thirst on at Brest stopped a French woman and be making signs conveyed to her the idea that they wished to buy a bottle of wine. She reached in a basket and showed them a bottle of Vin Rouge. "Deus francs, soixante quinze (cans)," she said. "Kittle, run to the kitchen and get a can. They sell wine by the bucket in this country." __________________________________________________ "Sgt. Wernecke, have all the available men report here immediately." __________________________________________________ "Well, Buddy, what have you got for me." Anderson, searching the battlefield for souvenirs. __________________________________________________ While at Romagne a Jerry machine came over and dropped pamphlets directly overhead. Chief Mechanic Minter, who had much spare time on his hands, gave chase to the flying missives. He met with a company of colored engineers and inquired of a dusky sergeant, whether he had seen any German propaganda fall. "Popagnder, Boss?" "Yes, propaganda." "None fell around heah. If they did they's all duds." __________________________________________________ When the shell struck the kitchen at Septsarges, everybody feared for the safety of the mechanics. __________________________________________________ "I ain't had any sleep for five nights," -- Virden. __________________________________________________ "Has anybody seen mess-kit a hundred and one?" __________________________________________________ Tom Owens reporting the sixth section one day at Redon: "Sixth section, all present or pickled." __________________________________________________ Can anyone tell what made Graham's return from Grenoble wearing such a broad smile? __________________________________________________ Solomon had a mounted pass to Tonnerre, put the saddle on backwards and landed in Ancy le Franc. __________________________________________________ Bennett: "How does it happen, Solomon, that you have been given two weeks in the kitchen?" Solomon: "Well, you see I went to the Top Sergeant and asked him whether I could get a two weeks' pass to any place in France. The next day I say on the bulletin board: "Solomon -- two weeks in the kitchen." __________________________________________________ Private Yohn takes much pride in passing certain inspections. Ask Sgt. McKnight, he knows. Hoo la la beaucoup. __________________________________________________ Mechanic Minter, reporting the Ninth Section at Mouzay: "One Boso absent." __________________________________________________ "To hella wid da gaz mask," said Romanelli, when told to get his mask at Septsarges. __________________________________________________ Virden: "Say, Mac, where'd that one light?" McCullough: "The dam thing threw so much dirt in my eyes, I couldn't see." __________________________________________________ Capt. Beebe would go through Military Channels, if he got drowned in the attempt. __________________________________________________ French Instructor (to Cpl. Moyle): "suppose you were working the panels for your aeroplanes and you should see any enemy plane, what would you do?" Cpl. Moyle: "Hide the panels and run, sir." __________________________________________________ Pvt. Raber (explaining to B.C. As to how to lost his team): "You see, sir, these horses couldn't begin to keep up" -- __________________________________________________ Owing to his conspicuous dome, "Red" Burns had to camouflage his head at night. __________________________________________________ Do you remember the day Stewart got his head shaved? Some cue-ball. __________________________________________________ "Don't accumulate around that horse, you'll stop his circumference." Ex-Stable Sgt. Enko. __________________________________________________ If Suplee was ever a junk dealer, he didn't forget his trade in the army. __________________________________________________ "Y" Girl (to "Moon-Face" Keth, who was purchasing cocoa): "You look green." "Moon-Face": "I may look green, but I have a wife and two-year-old back home!" __________________________________________________ Lieut. "Windy" Williams (to "Red Williams, after he had spent the hours from 5 A.M. To ( A.M. driving spikes in a beech tree over in D'Endela Woods at the risk of his life): "Now, Corporal, what can you see?" "Red" Williams: "Nothing, sir." "Windy": "Fair enough, we've got the wrong tree!" __________________________________________________ Scene: In the depths of the deepest dug-out. Monologue: "Mr. Mathey, go out and sniff for gas. You are the Battalion Gas Officer and if I am gassed I shall hold you personally responsible." __________________________________________________ Scene: In the dug-out of the Battalion Commander. Those present: The major and Lieutenants Mathey and Woodward. "Mr. Mathey, you will tell your friend, Mr. Woodward, that he is forbidden to use my personal telephone for ammunition matters or anything else." __________________________________________________ Sentry, from the top of the long stairway: "Gas!" "God almighty! Oh, Ritter! Where is my gas mask?" __________________________________________________ Cumberledge, owner and publisher of "Latrine News," claims the reputation of having the people in the States celebrate the Armistice, four days before the 11th of November. __________________________________________________ Sgt. Adams held all records in the battery -- service records. __________________________________________________ It was at Sassy Woods that Davy was the only and original K. P. One day one of his friends from Blossburg happened along. The friend came up and slapped Davy on the back, exclaiming, "Hello, Davy, how is you?" Davy, taken by surprise and very much excited to see someone from his home town, came back with: "I was just goin' to look on yer face." __________________________________________________ Old "Question Mark" Gibson is some traveller and has stopped at all the big hotels while engaged in his chosen profession of selling programs at the horse races. Upon being asked if he had ever stopped at the "succotash" Hotel in San Francisco, he replied in the affirmative. This particular hotel has doors and large windows, according to Mark. What he didn't know is that the above mentioned hotel is located in Utopia and not San Francisco __________________________________________________ According to rumors, a "Lance Corporal" is an acting soldier. __________________________________________________ alphabetically speaking: "When ordered it is best to stand at ease (EEEE) and not act like a bunch of jays (JJJJ). It is the wise (YYYY) way. C? __________________________________________________ Heber was on guard and borrowed Sgt. Schramm's watch. He had the misfortune to let it drop and break the crystal. Upon being questioned about it Heber stated: "I didn't break the crystal, all I broke wa der glass." __________________________________________________ One pass + one Yank = Jig. One jig + one qt. Congnac = Jag. One jag + one M.P. = Jug. Jig, Jag, Jug, the old army game. __________________________________________________ FUNNY FACTS FROM FIGHTING "F" It was at Camp Lee. A guard was walking his tour at Post No. 1. A call sounded faintly on the still night air from the distance, which the guard repeated as he believed -- "Corporal of the Guard, Post Number Four!" The Corporal hurried out and coming up to Post Number Four, was told that he had not been called. After much investigation it was found that the call had come from a newsboy peddling his papers, "Yo-ho, yo-ho, New York Post!" __________________________________________________ A group of "rookies" were called to report to the Commanding Officer at the Battery Office. The clerk went out and gave them instructions on reporting: "Now when you go in," he said, "take off your hat, stand at attention, salute and say, "Sir, Private (so and so) reports." Everything was going nicely. One after another they came in and reported. Finally a "rookie" came shuffling in, took off his hat and looking wildly about, said: "Private So and So reports, sir!" __________________________________________________ The regiment was out for drill. The Colonel commanded the officers to report. As they were coming up he gave the arm signal for double time, which all obeyed except one officer form this Battery. Upon his coming up the colonel demanded, "Why didn't you double time?" "I failed to received any command or execution, sir," was the reply. __________________________________________________ We recommend that our Mess Sergeant be cited by Mr. Hoover for distinguished service. __________________________________________________ It was the custom on the ship, while we were on our way to France, to have school each afternoon on the Service of the Piece. A Second Lieutenant, having his class on a certain afternoon, the very much interested enlisted men, one in particular, by the name of Gutzeit, being squatted around on the deck. The officer, singling him out, put the following question: "If the front sight should get broken, what sight would you use?" and was answered without a moment's hesitation, "Gutzeit, sir." __________________________________________________ This happened at Redon. The Battery was going out to take up a problem. The Captain, coming up to the ration cart driver who was still harnessing his horse, and asking "Why are you so late, lad," received the answer, "I didn't get out in time, sir." The Captain, turning to the First Sergeant said: "Give him a week's Battery discipline, Sergeant." The driver, finally getting his horse harnessed, drove up to where the Battery was being formed. Having a bad horse, which starting to kick tore the entire front out of the cart. The driver, standing up and turning around, saluted and loudly bawled out, "Two rounds complete, sir!" The Captain happened to be standing just to the rear of the cart and turning again to the top Sergeant, said: "Give him two more weeks, Sergeant." The Battery formed and moved off. The Captain, riding to the rear of the column, came once more upon that unlucky driver, who had at least a week's growth of beard on his face, and looking over demanded, "Lad, when did you shave last?" "Last week, sir," was the reply. "Give him two more weeks Sergeant." __________________________________________________ If the "goat" should ever get into "The gilded cage" would it spill the "bucket of blood?" __________________________________________________ The following little incident happened at the Second Battalion Officers' Mess while we were on the front: The orderly's name was Steffen. The Officer we shall designate as "The Whip." At every meal we were obliged to listed to the following refrain: "Steffen, Steffen!" "Yes, sir; yes, sir." "My toast isn't quite done." "No, sir; no, sir." Then along would come an officer whom we shall dub "Scissors" or "Boots" just as you please, who would invariably make the following plaintive remark: "Gracious me! There is neither milk nor sugar in my coffee." Now wouldn't that jar you? __________________________________________________ MENU Breakfast: Corn "Willy," hard-tack and coffee. Dinner: Hard-tack, coffee, and corn "Willy." Supper: Coffee, corn "Willy," and hard-tack. __________________________________________________ Bokey said he delivered a message that wasn't very long, but it had lots of words in it. __________________________________________________ Corporal "Andy Louey" is reported as having said that the Kaiser is the only guy in the world who ever bought a round trip ticket to Paris and used the last half first, still having the first half remaining. __________________________________________________ Corporal Ray Martin has applied for a position as subway inspector after his return to the U.S. He is undoubtedly well qualified for that position on account of his intimate knowledge of deep dugouts. __________________________________________________ After Tudor had worked fifteen minutes trying to get "Dunk" Lewis up, he changed his plan of attack and lay down beside him. __________________________________________________ Mec. Myers went to Redon to marry his girl, but her husband objected. __________________________________________________ Pvt. R.F. Wagner took the clip out of Corporal Brewer's automatic to find out the number of shots fired by him by counting the empty shells in the clip. __________________________________________________ Pvt. Jack told Capt. Kane that it must have been a big shell that blew his horse out of the saddle and bridle, for after he returned for the horse, all he could find was the saddle and bridle tied to the tree where he had left them. __________________________________________________ Sgt. Morton Hyman should make a good captain for the fire department when he returns to civil life as it has become a habit with him to blow the whistle and yell in a loud voice, "Everybody outside for fire drill." The "top" hails from Keystone, WV, and why shouldn't he make good in the Keystone Fire Department even if he does believe in "Keep the Home Fires Burning." __________________________________________________ There are two young ladies in France whom we've all become enamored of or with: "The young "vin" sisters, "Blanc" and "Rouge." __________________________________________________ Do you know of any soldier except "Porthole" Armstrong who thought enough of the Transport "America" to carry a souvenir of it all through the war in France? Buck Private Boulware says he has "Something," but the rest of us always called them "Cooties." __________________________________________________ Why did Doctor Sartor dread the "18 inches wide and 18 inches deep?" Most anyone can tell you, but "Red" Williams can probably give a better explanation. __________________________________________________ "Who is Sandy?'" asks "Windy." "Who is Windy?'" asks "Fair Enough.'' "Who is Fair Enough?'" asks Lieut. John P. Williams. __________________________________________________ DO YOU KNOW: Why Lieut. Rushmore would not each Tid-bits? Why Sergeant Human always lets the men sleep so late on the mornings the Company moves? Why Generals hate inspections and problems? Why the Generals would not let the men enjoy more inspections and problems? Why Hunsaker always cooks such fine beefsteak and French-fried potatoes? Why the Regimental and Battalion wireless sets and their operators were so useful on the front? Why the American aviators never permitted a German plane to come close enough to our troops for us to see one? Why Sergeant Sehan would not carry a pistol at Meucon? Why the Army made Mec. Myers a teetotaler? Why the Army made Corporal Gilmer Stop swearing? Why so many men are planning to reenlist in the Army within 30 days from the time they receive their discharge? Who the soldiers look so sad on the day they are discharged? Why so few men can make Army wages outside of the Army? Why Sergeants Hyman and Overfield have never changed their minds about the girls they expect to marry? What would happen to Jess Willard if he should encounter the far- famed fighter of 314 F.A., Petit Vin Blanc King of Great Town, WV? Why the Orderly Room force of Headquarters Company is so popular? Why Corporal George D. Lewis never got to be a Sergeant? Why Band Leader Skaggs during concerts tries to imitate an Egyptian mummy? Why Strober managed to run so fast that time when he was supposed to be "stone blind" from Gas? Why George Gilmer reminds you of "Ichabod Crane?" __________________________________________________ BATTERY E, 314TH FIELD ARTILLERY DO YOU REMEMBER? When Captain Brown looked like the leading character in "The Passion Play." Woolridge and King's 5 and 10 cent store at Remagne. Sergeants Minzler and Vees, crack pistol shots, as candidates for Supply Sergeant. The rookie squad at Houcon. Corporal Stromp's would stripe. Saddler Meek's brain-wrecking job. Hoopies gathering souvenirs in the second position. The Montfaucon special at the railroad. Corporal Cunning saying, "Sergt. Stumpp does want me." Cover: Never mind. Allied. Do you remember the "40 hommes" and "I chevaux?" What train did you always catch? The "8-40," of course. Major Eager and Private Strober must have been good friends, or at least the Major was interested in Strober, for he called the Major on the phone to tell him, "The spring wagon is shot to hell, and I'm damn badly shell-shocked." There should be a penalty for enlisted men who impersonate a cook. Why does Hunsaker turn his back to the paymaster when receiving his pay. Is there such a thing as conscience in an Army kitchen? Pvt. Bill Bokey can't figure out why everyone doesn't want a pass to Redon. And Bill so far from home, too! Corporal Gilmer is undecided whether he will reenlist for another year, or commit murder and serve a life term in a civilian prison. Private Ray Wagner received a communication from Gen. Pershing. Some fellows positively will not write home. Wonders will never cease. Sergeant Hyman smiled twice today. The cause: Someone paid him what he owned him, and he received a letter. It Is useless to call for a new deck because it is the same thing over and over again when Sergeant Wilson deals. When in doubt about anything in Paris, just ask Sergeant Rodgers. He spent three days there. Private Johnston has sent a recommendation to Congress requesting that the gas masks be equipped with attachments for bee hunting -- or that bees should be taught to stand "at east" when he is collecting honey at Meucon. Rest Camps in France were managed so that no soldier would want to stay there and rest too long. Did you ever know a man who wanted to go to an Army hospital or Rest Camp? What will you do when a recruiting officer advises you to enlist and tells you in a fascinating way all you are missing by remaining only a civilian? You studied war in 1917. You fought in 1918. You played war in 1919. What will you do in 1920? Which do you use most -- a spade, curry comb, or gun? Did you ever get even a taste of what you fought for? Who "won the war?" What did the Y.M.C.A. Do for the M.P.'s? Who started the expression "Sunny France?' Did you enjoy a delightful rest at the Brest rest camp? Did the food on the Italian transport "America" do the men or the fish more good?" If we had had 314 in 1914, how long would the war have lasted? Can you recall the name of the jam officer? Did you ever see a solo cornet player with plenty of wind who couldn't read a note? Did you ever carry a message between two points connected by telephone because the officer at one end of the line wanted quick delivery of his message? One hundred francs reward will be paid to any soldier who was wounded, scarred, or even frightened while in company with Sergeant Bugler Nelson. What could make a man run faster than the news that there was a letter from home? What do the Frogs like best about the American soldiers? Toads in France never hop because through centuries of close association with the Frogs, they have acquired the more leisurely gain of the larger creatures. Billets are structures in France out of which horses and cows are driven to make sleeping quarters for American soldiers. The echelon was moving forward one night when the Boche commended to send gas shells over. Lieut. Wilson, who was in charge, gave the command of "Gas, Forward March," and the way he went down the road was a grand sight. ___________________________________________________ GENTLE REMINDERS (DO YOU REMEMBER?) Ask Paul Elcesser how many resolutions he broke when he went to Paris? Ask Pete Gartland which of the Allied Armies he belongs to? Ask Corporal Geo. D. Lewis why he tired of following Lieut. Rushmore around? Ask Sergeant Roman why he doesn't study English instead of seventeen other languages? Ask Paul Elcesser how much he slept that night after missing the Preliminary Review at Lezinnes? Ask Fred Jamison why he always tells Lieut. Nicoll the truth? Ask Fry how musicians may become blacksmiths, or vice versa, by taking his special two-weeks' course. Ask George Gilmer, after he is discharged, why he doesn't utilize his "hob-nails" as suitcases? Ask Capt. Kane why he insisted on those deep dug-outs and then wanted to move as soon as they were complete? Ask Sergeant McKnight why he did not finish the letter he began in the middle of the Atlantic in time to deliver it to the passing mail boat? Ask Sergeant Wilson why the best wig-way team, which went to Tonnerre, did not arrive on the field in time to compete? Ask Lieut. Heacock why there is such a peculiar odor in headquarters after the French mail comes in these days? Capt. Brown has issued orders that all gas masks will be work in the alert position on mail days. Ask Hopkins what game is so fascinating it pays a man to sit up all night to play it? Ask Shellenberger what he mistook his helmet for on the train from Mouzay which caused him to throw it away. Ask "Red" Williams what it takes to make a man enjoy a plunge into the river in January. Ask Corporal Ray Martin what it takes to make the corners of a man's mouth hang so law he steps on them _______________________________________________ Corned Willy -- a canned substance used in the Army to test the size of a man's appetite, the quality of his digestion, and the extent of his vocabulary. "Bully" -- an adjective not properly applied to anything connected with the soldier's life in France except the news that he's going home. As applied to beef -- used in irony or to designate its origin. As a noun -- a type of man rarely found in the American Army. Semaphore -- a system of signalling frequently used on French railroads for the purpose of delaying the passage of American troops. Wig-Way -- a system of signalling to friend and foe alike, hence one popular in training camps but seldom used in war. _______________________________________________ SOME UNSOLVED PROBLEMS OF HEADQUARTERS CO. Why does Shean carry one gun when he's used to carrying two? Why did Jim Rodgers, after being "terribly gassed," recover the use of his voice so quickly? Why does Jim Rodgers find it necessary to peddle his "bull?" Why is Nay so careful to see that the windows are open every night? Why doesn't "Red" Williams associate with the Frogs? Why doesn't everybody like "young" Hyman? Why does Hunsaker bathe so often? Why did so many men never realize how much they loved home and family until they were in France? Why do so many fellows say "father was right?" _______________________________________________ CAN YOU IMAGINE "Cock-Robin" Lawson leading in prayer. Morton Human getting anybody "in damned serious trouble." Sergeant Herrink doing the Swan Dance. Col. Walker and Capt. Clark competing in the 100-yard dash. Lieut. "Dynamite" having a real explosion. _______________________________________________ Corporal Ramon Reed (to a group of listeners): "Sure I can play ball. Why, I used to catch off the bat for Bent Mountain. But one day I got hit in the nose with a sledge hammer... Corporal Harr (interrupting him): "God Almighty, what did that pitcher throw?" _______________________________________________ Just after the baseball game between Headquarters and Supply at Chateau-du-loir, most of the Headquarters men were seen eating cream puffs and drinking champagne. Puzzle: Who won the game? _______________________________________________ Ask Sergeant Johnson what is the hardest part of his anatomy to conceal when a sniper is working on him. _______________________________________________ SPEAKING OF POMMES Corp. Kennedy (to Sergt. Ridge): "Doc, you are the apple of my eye." Sergt. Ridge: "So? What kind?" Corp. Kennedy: "Baldwin, of course." _______________________________________________ Buck Bucy was being kidded for having large feet: "Well," says Buck, "it takes a better foundation for a bank than it does for an asylum." _______________________________________________ Hartless: "What am I on for today?" Sergt. Myer (consulting detail list): "You are on the water wagon today." Hartless (grinning): "Does that mean TONIGHT, too? _______________________________________________ What we would like to know is: "How is it possible for Red Gibson to "Stand at Ease" without talking? _______________________________________________ Sergeant Garison and his gun crew had the habit of spreading their blankets under their camouflage and taking a bit of sleep through the day. Lieut. Robinson had the habit of visiting the Section and spreading his 6 feet and some all over them, and the crew had no chance. One day, when everybody was exceptionally tired, and Lieut. Robinson had the whole bed as usual, Jerry commenced to send over some big ones, and they were hitting pretty close, and Corporal Barnes said that Robby would soon have to move. All at once one hit so close that it sent showers of rocks, and dirt down on us, and the bed. It sure did wake the Lieutenant up. He stuck his head out from under the blankets, shook some of the stones and dirt off, and said "Sergeant, wish I was back in Tennessee eating some good corn pone and ham." Then turned over and went to sleep again. So did we, wherever we could. _______________________________________________ Sergeant Garrison said he would stick if they had to carry him. They never had to carry him to the chow line. _______________________________________________ "Pat" Ciricillo, in addition to being the best musician in the Regiment, is also our Regimental "Scoffer." Recently, he got on the outside of a simple dejeuner which consisted of 2 dozen oeufs, 3 cans of "bully beef," 3 mess kits of macaroni, 2 boxes of hard-tack, and 3 bottles of vin rouge, and two plates full of "haricots." We often wondered why "Pat" was the champion "musician." We wonder, then, why George isn't a great musician, too! _______________________________________________ To compare "Turkey" Guyton's triumphal entry into France with his subsequent reception would be like comparing the bray of a Mexican jackass with the immortal music of Mozart. Enter, Napoleon. Never more! _______________________________________________ After being lost two whole days in the woods around Camp Lee, Corporal Brewer finally oriented himself and located the long seven- mile Camp once more. As a reward for his bravery and knowledge of woodcraft he was ultimately made a scout! _______________________________________________ Ask "Picnic Mike" Sassano why he never expects to try to awaken another dead man. _______________________________________________ When it comes to makin' loud noises with little whistles, we hand the "cake" to "Swede" Samuelson and "Goo-Goo" Williamson. _______________________________________________ Tudor Hopkins recently mae a very soul-stirring and convincing speech, the subject of which was "Down with All Alcoholic Spirits!" _______________________________________________ The many friends of Walter "Hank" Tippins will be highly gratified to learn that his escapade with the barrel last summer at Redon was not the result of desire to attain cheap notoriety, but solely one of conforming to the rules of propriety. While bathing in the canal, he was relieved of his pants by some mischievous Frenchy, necessity naturally compelling him to wear a barrel to this quarters where his comrades answered his frantic S.O.S. With another outfit. _______________________________________________ After Sergt. James W. Rodgers had made it very clear that his greatest ambition in life was to become an aviator, Capt. Smith consoled his aching heart by making him a temporary M.P., so that he could check the high-fliers. _______________________________________________ Private Fred jamison still says: "Youth will have its way," regardless of the measures taken to curb it." _______________________________________________ Private Shuman says: "It can't be so; horses, water, details, mess, more horses, telephone lines to string, and a thousand other things, it can't be so." Then he adds, "But by George, it is so!" _______________________________________________ The Mail Corporal reports that mail is very scare today. He said, "You see, Cook Hunsaker forgot to mail his daily collection of souvenirs." _______________________________________________ Today the Company was in an uproar. No, it wasn't pay day nor had the "top" been busted -- twas just the band coming back. Farewell, please! _______________________________________________ Corporal George D. Lewis said it was a very pleasant evening until that person dropped that stuff in the dance hall. He said it made everybody feel so unnecessary. It is presumed that everyone suspected everyone else. Of what, George? _______________________________________________ Private Vistine hopes that he has the same job for the same man in the next war. Joe lives in fear that his French friends will rake up that cat and put in a claim of about 230 francs for it. _______________________________________________ When a gas alarm came along one night, everybody had their masks on, and the drivers were putting the respirators on the horses. One officer noticed that Eugene Eads did not have his on, and when called upon to explain, said he had to take it off so he could get the respirator on his horses. We don't know whether he is a hero or a d - -d fool. _______________________________________________ There were quite a lot of the boys who did not know Col. Walker by sight. One day when he was visiting our gun position, dressed in about as seedy a uniform as you would want to see, and this set off with a ragged jersey, whose sleeves came to his elbows, plus two weeks' growth of beard, he asked Corporal Barnes what his direction of fire was. Corporal Barnes, taking him for some Buck, told him it was none of his "damned business." _______________________________________________ Sergeant Stumpp and Corporal Cunningham lost their hearing. That is, they could not hear anything but German shells. Sergeant Stumpp: "Where did that one light, Budger?" Budger: "Pretty close, Stumpp." "We had better dig in deeper." _______________________________________________ Medhanir Burke sure made a record on the front for not taking off his clothes. He wore his overcoat, helmet, and gas mask to bed. _______________________________________________ Corporal Barnes and Baum put in four days scouting. They were out trying to locate some of the Y.M.C.A. Chocolate you read about on the front. _______________________________________________ Sergeant J. Minzler sure was a busy man. He tried to fill all the shell holes and sometimes did pretty good work. _______________________________________________ Corporal J. Carnes was made gas hound on account of his ears and voice. His voice was worse than the gas. _______________________________________________ Corporal J.G. Stump was gassed. He got it eating too much corn willy. _______________________________________________ We will never forget the famous drive of September 25, 1918. There were 3,400 guns in action. It sure was a grand sight, and the noise was so great that it could be heard for miles; in fact, it made more noise than Popp Off Kleeh. _______________________________________________ GOOD STALL TO WORK One night at Septsarges, a gas alarm came simultaneously with a call for a detail to carry ammunition. Bernie O'Brien must have heard both, for when Corporal McFarland, hearing the gas N.C.O. Say that there was no gas, found O'Brien in his bivvy. Bernie was huddled down in the blankets wearing his gas mask. "Come on, O'Brien, no gas," McFarland Called down into the bivvy. "Get out and help carry in this ammunition." "Oh, Mackie," came a faint reply, "I can't; I think I'm gassed." _______________________________________________ NOT HONK! HONK! VIN BLANC Sergeant Brown (taking battery for a hike at Argentenay): "Right of the road. Auto coming behind." Harry McKain: "What's wrong with you, Sarg? That's Hulsie Boughner calling up the drinks." _______________________________________________ Lieut. Ferguson: "You men should be careful to stay under cover. Didn't you see that French battery over there on the Nantillois road get shot up?" Sergeant Lane: "Yes, sir! I led the Frog advance to the rear from that unlucky place." _______________________________________________ Sergeant Underdonk: "You'll admit, Lane, that it requires a great ability to rise to the rank of sergeant." Sergeant Lane: "Yes, only the kind of ability that enables a man to land a job isn't always the kind of ability that enables him to fulfill its duties." _______________________________________________ "40-60 FRENCH" Pvt. Burgoon: "Madame! Avez vous the beads mae the blind soldats Francaises?" _______________________________________________ "What you all got for dinner, Cook?" The speaker was Carson H. Moorefield. "Pork and beans," Cook Harley Gatts replied, heaping a ladleful of the Triple A.A.. Brand into Morrefield's mess pan. Moorefield glanced once at his mess, then scrutinized it closely. Looking up to the cook again, with amazement showing plainly on his features, he made us all laugh with: "Say, may, how come you all call these poak an' beans when they ain't no poak in the whole pot?" _______________________________________________ The battery was hiking from Camp Lee to the range at Camp McLaughlin, Dutch Gap, VA, on Easter Sunday, 1918. Everybody was wondering what the dinner menu would be. "One thing sure, it won't be eggs," Private "Nobby" Miller put in. "Why not?" Hulsie Boughner asked. "Don't you know they're sending all the shells to Europe?" _______________________________________________ What did you think of that barrage?" George Sheidy inquired November 1st, at Romagne, of a Boche prisoner whom the M.P.'s allowed to rest near where Sheidy was reeling up a telephone line. The query, of course, was propounded in German. "Heavens, man!" Sheidy interprets the German's reply, "you fellows don't throw barrages, you just hurl ammunition dumps." _______________________________________________ IGNORANCE IS BLISS The 314th Field Artillery Band was giving its first concert at Mouzay a day or so after the Armistice was signed. Captain Clark was among the charmed listeners. Suddenly his countenance clouded when he glanced in the direction of the Trombone players. Stepping to the Band Leader's side when the refrain was ended, the Adjutant said: "Mr. Martin, it would look much better if you would have your Trombone players work their slides together. That last piece looked very ragged." _______________________________________________ OFFICE OF THE C.O. OF DUPES, U.S.S. ZEPPELIN 19th May 19.. GENERAL ORDER No. 9,024,368,521,792: 1. The location of Army Mis-Information Office has been changed from C-Deck, forward of the aft gang-plant, to B-Deck, aft of No. 3 port coal bunkers, and just under the Executive Officer's Boudoir. For location of Executive Officer's Boudoir see printed directions on the rudder. 2. Each compartment commander will detail twelve stenographers to report to this office at once to assist in writing orders, this being the only way in which to use up surplus stationery. 3. Reveille is changed from 6:00 A.M. To 6:30 A.M. Not that this formation is at all necessary, but what would the army be without reveille? 4. Smoking is positively prohibited in the enlisted men's compartments. Smoking will be done only in the Rest Rooms provided for this purpose, located aft of the propeller. 5. Decks must be washed and dried each day. If time permits it is suggested that they also be starched and ironed. 6. It has been noticed that a considerable number of Seas are coming aboard forward and keeping the decks wet. This is contrary to orders. Compartment commanders will cause a guard to be posted to prevent this disorder and will be held personally responsible for all Seas boarding the ship without written authority from this office. 7. The practice of sea-sick men eating below decks is prohibited. (This does not apply to rank above Major, U.S.A.) 8. It has been noticed that some men who imagine themselves sea-sick relieve themselves without proper authority. Compartment commanders will be held personally responsible that all vomiting is done through military channels. 9. Physical exercise will be held in accordance with the previously issued schedule. Owing to the lack of facilities the compartment commanders will use their ingenuity. The following excellent exercises are suggested: a) Move the starboard side of the ship to the port side and the port side of the ship to starboard. This exercise should be done by the numbers and to the cadence of quick time. (b) An especially designed anchor, located just aft on the quarterdeck, can be used to good advantage as a medicine ball. (c) The wireless apparatus and rigging is especially designed for aerial acrobatics and is an excellent antidote for seasickness. Care should be taken to clear the desks before this exercise and to thoroughly cleanse them after the exercises. (d) A splendid exercise for the stomach, to be practiced out of the prescribed hours, is the "standing lunch-put." (e) The propeller can be used to good advantage as a substitute for the "Flying Dutchman." (f) These exercises will be under the direct supervision of the Division commanders, who will station themselves in the "Crow's Nest." 10. A lay-out inspection will be conducted each day by the Commanding Officer of Dupes. Compartments will be cleared of troops between the hours of (:00 and 10:00 a.M. Owing to the lack of deck space, as the Commanding Officer approaches, troops will jump overboard. Those who do not jump will be thrown overboard. Service Records, properly indorsed to the "Commanding Officer of Davy Jones' Locker," will accompany such troops. Troops remaining away from the ship for more than two hours will report upon their return to the Sick Bay for Prophylaxis, as it is reported that 99 per cent of the Atlantic Mermaids are affected with venereal disease. 11. As there is not enough room in the engine room for both the machinery and the Inspecting Staff, a detail of 212 men from each compartment will report to the Chief Engineer daily at 9:00a.M. To move all machinery and boilers to the bridge deck for lay-out inspection. This inspection will be conducted in accordance with Paragraph 4,729,568, Plate 843,921. 12. If it should become necessary to abandon ship, compartments will proceed in an orderly manner to their proper stations. In cases where compartments have not been assigned to either boats or rafts, the commanding officers of compartments will use their ingenuity to save their men. Suggestions: (1) Rig up balloon. (2) Build a bridge, or (3) Drink up the water and walk ashore.. 13. After having abandoned the ship all organizations will -- (a) Take with them their typewriters for the purpose of answering by indorsement hereon. (b) Send one non-commissioned officer to these headquarters to act as swimmer (in lieu of runners), so that orders can be delivered with dispatch. (c) Ration Returns will be made out and sent with the last practicable delay to the Supply raft. 14. The practice of delivering messages from this office after lights are out and all officers are asleep will be continued. By Command "CORPORAL" BISON Motherhubbard Walrun, Com. Chief of Staff. ________________________________________________ HEADQUARTERS C.O. OF DUPES U.S.S. ZEPPELIN 21st May 19.. GENERAL ORDER No. 3,428,956,824,259: 1. An inspection of all troops for Cooties will be held on "B" Deck, amidships, beginning at 11:00 A.M. This date. Breeches will be dropped and shirts raised above the armpits. To ride troops of cooties which do not catch pneumonia and die at the inspection, the following suggestions are offered: (a) Tickle cootie under the chin with a feather until he laughs; then squirt carbolic acid down its throat. (b) Segregate the male cooties from the female cooties, thereby preventing cohabitation. Cooties will then eventually die of broken hearts or old age. (c) Assemble cooties under right armpit and read to them a Brigade order. It will be noticed that all cooties who have a sense of humor will laugh themselves to death. 2. All Casual, Staff and Officers above the grade of Major will perform no military duties aboard this ship. Only a few of these officers ever have performed MILITARY duties, so why establish a new precedent at this state of the game? 3. It has been noticed that during inspection, sea-sick men, who imagine themselves more comfortable in bunks, remain below decks. In future these men will be compelled to place their blankets and equipment neatly at the head of the bunk and lie on the bare springs. This will serve two purposes: (a) It adds greatly to the discomfort of the man, who will eventually seek rest elsewhere. (b) It aids sanitation, as lunches can be conveniently strained through the springs, separating the solids from the liquids. By Order of CORPORAL BISON, Chanten Marchus, Captain, Field Artillery. Adjutant. ________________________________________________ HEADQUARTERS 314th, F.A.A.E.F. LIAISON SECTION, REGIMENTAL STAFF November 11th, 1918 CONFIDENTIAL, BUT NOT SECRET. For distribution down to include all K.P.'s DAILY REPORT I. ENEMY LINES -- In general the hostile front line runs east-west by north-south, most of the running being done toward the rear. At points 37.89 and 39.87, the line makes a sharp salient owing to the presence of deep excavations, which are invisible, but can be easily seen from behind. II. ENEMY ACTIVITY -- Enemy activity during the day was very slight and only occasional fleeting targets were observed, the targets becoming more fleeting as our adjustment progressed. The enemy airplanes appeared very friendly, flying low over our front line and firing machine gun bullets promiscuously, which added greatly to our diminished supply of this type of ammunition. III. ACTIVITY OF OUR OWN TROOPS -- Our troops spent the entire day developing our lines to a greater depth, in some cases getting below the water line. Repeated efforts to find out where the front line is have failed utterly, but it is accurately located to within 500 meters by the pink line shown on the attached map. Hostile counter- attacks caused an extensive retirement on a front of ten meters nd to a depth of five meters, but I held my ground and reinforcements soon relieved the situation. This was the only time during the day when I could determine the exact location of our front lines. IV. EFFECT OF OUR FIRE -- Our fire was very effective, as the enemy was unable to determine where the next shot would land and seemed quite bewildered. An occasional "shot" among our own troops was also very beneficial to their morale, as it reminded them that the war is still on -- a fact which they might otherwise have forgotten. V. OUR AERIAL ACTIVITY -- Our planes were up in great numbers in spite of the danger of sunstroke. Two planes exhibited remarkable courage by flying recklessly to within two kilometers of the front line to distribute papers to our fighting men. One plane, apparently lost, wandered accidentally into hostile territory, causing two enemy planes to fall in a faint. STILL MUCHMORE, Liaison Officer ________________________________________________ (Typed by DELORES KNOWLES.)